Happy Father's Day to Todd

 Last year I blogged about my relationship with my dad. This year, after the events of the last couple of
 weeks I have decided to focus on the dad to our girls.

2 weeks ago our lives yet again took unexpected turn. Our dear, sweet kitty Fresca was killed by a car. Fortunately we were all out of the house when he met his untimely death. We highly expect (due to the timeline) that the driver of the car had some compassion and immediately called the SPCA. Fresca  had been tatooed (with all of our information) on his first visit to the veterinarian, so Todd got the call.
Todd called me at work.  His voice was unrecognizable, and my heart stopped beating when he told me "something bad had happened." As I felt all the blood drain from my face, Todd choked out the details that Fresca had been killed by a car. My stomach instantly went into a knot when I thought about Shaelyn. Todd told me if he told Shaelyn the news at school he would be unsafe to drive home. We both thought that it would be best to get Shaelyn through her day at school before we gave her the news. I thought I would be ok to get through the rest of my workday, but Todd kept sending me texts, of this precious kitty and our girls. As I was getting these pictures, it became painfully obvious that Todd was very emotional about this kitty as well. I have really never seen so much grief in my husband and that's when I knew I needed to be home not only to give Shaelyn the news but to support Todd as well.

My grief almost instantly turned to anger, as I felt it was just another sucker punch to our family. As much as I could soothe my emotions by telling myself "it was just a cat" and "I don't even like cats", it is what Fresca represented to our family that was so suddenly taken away - JOY-

Last fall when Kourtney was sick Shaelyn was really depressed. She quit eating,she hated coming to the hospital to visit, to add insult to injury we had forgotten to pick her up at school on several occasions. She was carrying so much resentment and guilt about her sister being so sick and her being well. We attempted to pacify her grief by taking her shopping, buying a new pet frog and promising an iPhone at Christmas so she would never be left at school again. Her pet frog met his untimely death only a couple of weeks after his arrival and the promise of an iPhone did not soothe her grief. When Todd had kidney stones and stayed in the ER for an entire day Shaelyn came to me in tears wondering if "Dad was going to die as well." I said no, and in only a way Shae can do, through her tears she said, "I think I need a new kitty, because it won't die." (These words replayed so many times in my head when I got the news that Fresca had been killed).

I talked to Todd after his admission in the ER, and his words were, "there would be nothing better for our family than to have a new kitten to hold, watch and play with. What we didn't realize was that Shaelyn had already picked out her kitty from her friend's farm. As soon as we gave her the go ahead, the next thing we knew we were picking up a 4 month old barn cat. We had not discussed gender, type of cat or even litter training. Todd and I both had mixed feelings when we first laid eyes on this long haired, male barn cat, that had already stolen Shaelyn's heart. On our first day of ownership we had just settled Kourtney into bed when Todd and I collapsed into bed. When our heads hit the comforter, it became evident that Fresca had used our bed as a litter box.  That night we attempted to lock him up in the garage but he escaped, clawed up our custom blinds and found him happily licking himself in our dog's bed. Lexi (our dog) was beside herself. We thought we had made the biggest mistake of our lives.

 Todd ended up taking Fresca to the vet in order to get some clairity and advice on what to do with this new creature. After a very expensive vet bill, we understood more about a male cats and what do with a new kitty and within a week Fresca wormed (or shall I say dewormed himself) into our lives.

When Kourtney's pain was out of control, she would hold the kitty and as the pain medication started to work she would fall asleep with the kitty at her side. On many occasions he was the center of attention as we would watch our cat Jenny hiss at her and Lexi play with him like a stuffed animal. He brought us so much JOY during our pain, and we all smiled when he entered the room.

In January, Todd took some time off to help with Kourtney's care and help with the transition to her new school.  He was also emotionally spent from his concern over Kourtney's condition, trips to the hospital after work and many sleepless nights. Todd,  began exercising regularly, made some of his best meals, came up with a new plan for giving Kourtney's meds that allowed him to sleep more and he worked tirelessly in the yard.  But what began as a 4 week leave turned into a full blown "teachers worst nightmare!"  The 4 week leave turned into 10 weeks.  Todd won't let me post the details here but believe me when I tell you it was horrible to watch him have to go through it.  He contemplated changing schools, careers, and moving out of Abbotsford.  I soon noticed he would spend a lot of time outside but nothing would get accomplished.  He spent countless hours researching rocks walls, patio stones and designs for our backyard but was not able to make any decisions. This was not like him!  During all this we were going through the process of hiring our nanny, and the application got denied. It was just another "thing" that we had to go through, and Todd shut down even more.

I saw this all happening, however I didn't know how to steer Todd in the right direction. I knew that sleep deprivation was becoming a big problem. I would encourage him to sleep downstairs, so he wouldn't have to wake up for Kourtney several times a night. Even on his nights off it was obvious that it wasn't just Kourtney that was keeping him awake. I knew my husband was showing signs of depression, but I was unable to help.

When we told Shaelyn the news that Fresca was killed, she cried for days . . . and so did Todd. I have never seen Todd cry so much in our entire 18 years together. At one point even sweet Shae, said I am more worried about dad than I am upset about losing Fresca. I knew that Todd's tears were not just because of losing Fresca but an accumulation of the events of the last 6 months.  Once again I am so thankful for the great family Dr. we have. I was able to text him and ask for an "emergency" appointment for Todd. We got in right away. It was great timing, because if there's one thing our family can do well it is putting on happy faces while we cover up our grief. We have all gotten good, especially Todd, at "sucking it up". At the Dr. visit Todd handed him a list of all the thoughts and feelings that were bouncing around in his head.  Dr. Kornelsen looked at the list for only a few seconds before chuckling.  His eyes had found the one that said, "I'm 43 and my best friend is a cat."  Dr. Kornelsen with a LOL (laugh out loud), said "that statement alone tells me a lot". He went on to discuss how Todd was dealing with depression.  I don't think anyone was surprised by this, we all saw it coming, it just took losing Fresca for Todd to have a complete breakdown.

Shaelyn had a memorial for Fresca. The Vissers , Grandpa/Grandma Kujawa  as well as Fresca's vet (get this Dr. Katz) came for the memorial. Her comment, was, "Why would Fresca ever want to leave such a beautiful yard?"  Her recommendation was to invest in an invisible fence if we ever got another kitty.

Well we now have a new kitty named "Gracie- Jane". She is Fresca's 5 week old sister, and is a clone to Fresca. Shae got to pick her out as well. She actually was already spoken for, however, the owners took sympathy on our family and we got the trump card for this new little creature. She has filled the gap alright, but never can anything/anyone, replace the Joy, that Fresca's short-lived life brought to our family during one of the most painful circumstances we have had to endure.

Once again we are reinventing how to live so that our circumstances don't consume our entire lives. It is not an easy road that we are going down. We feel we have been blindsided on so many occasions, that we almost are in a state of panic when we get an email or the phone rings. We don't want to live in fear of what the next day will bring, however, we don't want to get to comfortable because as soon as we do it just feels that is when we get pounced on.

The one thing I can say about our family is that we are resilient. We have learned to live above our circumstances. At times we have to admit that we aren't OK, we need to lean on people for our support. A breakdown is important, because it serves as a reminder that it is just not Kourtney that is afflicted with EB; our whole family is. When we lost Fresca we shuddered when we thought about Kourtney's prognosis in November. We couldn't beleive the void that losing Fresca left, we couldn't imagine if it had been Kourtney.

So this Father's day, I want to encourage Todd and all the dad's out there, that it is ok to cry, it is ok to breakdown. Never should a man have to take so many sucker punches and try to deal with it. It was a huge turning point for the girls as well as myself to see this different side of Todd. We all felt the impact of his depression and to see their dad breakdown revealed to us that this man is human indeed.

Happy Father's Day Todd! Love ya!