When My Heart is Breaking . . .

Our weekend to Victoria began with me waking up in a foul mood. I was up late packing the last minute items and folding the endless mounds of laundry that seemed to come out of nowhere. In the back of mind I know I was feeling guilty because of my lack of involvement in prepping Shaelyn for her first skipping tournament. I wanted this weekend to be all about Shaelyn; I wanted to get involved with what she was doing and put my focus in learning how I can best encourage her in her skipping. Our morning did not start out so well as Kourtney was also in a foul mood(apples don't fall far from the tree).Nobody could say or do anything without getting attacked verbally by her. I thought, the only way to respond in this situation was to retaliate and act like a 12 year old myself. So I did. I took care of myself, snapped at anyone who even dared ask me to do something, wouldn't answer when my family asked me a question and ordered Todd to do stuff for me. It lasted most of the day, and to tell you the truth I quite enjoyed it. Kourtney wasn't impressed at first but soon realized how we feel when she is so grumpy, Shae thought it was great to see her mom act so immature and Todd just shook his head and played along willingly.


The charade stopped rather suddenly when we were at a restaurant where all the other skippers were and I encouraged Kourtney to go sit with the girls her age. Her eyes filled up with tears and she said, "Mom, I can't because I am not like them." My heart broke and I could feel that overwhelming cloud of depression encapsulate my body. I told her that knowing that you aren't "like them" makes you even more like them, because every teenage girl finds in difficult to be around new people. But down deep I knew these words to Kourtney were just that and it brought little or nor peace to our hearts.


The weekend was packed full of cheering on the Abbotsford skippers and being in awe of their skills. As we traveled in the van we kept hearing the same song over and over. We would catch only bits of pieces of it but it was a catchy tune and we were singing it when it came over the radio.

Shaelyn did well considering it was her first tournament and she didn't know what to expect. We were proud of her and what stood out the most was her gentle attitude she portrayed to her fellow teammates.

We came back, and on Monday Kourtney did her district final speech. Although she didn't place in the top 3, she was still somewhere in the top 10. We were still very proud of her for standing in front of the crowd with confidence.

Tuesday, we had a trip into Children's for an iron infusion and a meeting with the psychologist. There were some disappointments as her hemoglobin dropped considerably due to the lack of iron in her system, and Kourtney's weight has dropped for no apparent reason. It doesn't seem to end. The psychologist provided us useful tools once again to avoid a slump into a depression. She of course stated she was more worried for me than for Kourtney at this point as she noted my anxiety rising. After fighting traffic both ways Kourtney and I were completely tired and spent. Mom and Dad Kujawa had us over for supper, I can't tell you how pleasant it was to be at their home and be able review the day with my family. Love you Dave and Bev!!

Wednesday was another busy day, but it seemed like a breakthrough day. The tears came easily for Kourtney and I as we finally got to hear the song with the catchy tune from start to finish. The words were so relevant to how we both have been feeling, Click here to listen.

That night Todd and I received the following email from Kourtney. Her words brought me Peace.

Hey Mom and Dad,

I thought it was amazing how that song came on the radio and it totally related to how we feel. I am so inspired by that song. I think that it came on just at the right time in the van because I am just so overwhelmed by my life right now. I love you guys so much and I know that you will always be there in the toughest of times. I hope that you guys have a great time at Build tonight!! Love you!!
Kourtney

Although my heart does break, I do feel that God is with me despite the storm.

Stay tuned, I have a new challenge that will start May 1st!!



Click here to listen.

Shaelyn Skips & Kourtney Speaks

Click here to watch Shaelyn skip at Provincials.

Click here to hear Kourtney's speech at the District Finals.

Life...

I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. The whole contract negotiation took its toll on me. Yes, it was a great outcome, but it took me back to the place where I had been so many times; that overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I just hate the feeling of having to share every out-of-the-ordinary thing that I do for Kourtney. To me, it is our Normal and I don't really want to think about how actually abnormal our lives are. When we came under review I started thinking how abnormal our lives are and I start feeling overwhelmed and mourn the loss of a normal child.

On Friday our van broke down, so I have been trying to juggle life with only one vehicle over a very busy weekend. Thanks to my friend JW and Amy, Shawn, dad and mom K we have managed quite well, but it is always about the juggle. Now, what to do about a new van? Wheelchair accessible or not? I don't know! Life would be so much easier but I don't want Kourtney in it all the time. I wish one would fall out of the sky for us. They are very expensive !! If it fell out of the sky then I wouldn't have to make the decision.

I guess I need a new vision; a new direction to try to take myself out of this slump. I want to set some goals before I turn 40. I really want to run but I don't have the time to do it. I will just have to make time and start challenging myself again.

Kourtney is still doing remarkably well. We were having problems with her shoulders breaking down but after these last few dressings changes, only by trial and error, they have looked so much better. As GB says, the sparkle is back. She can walk straight but she needs constant reminding to stand straight. She resents me for doing that but it is such a habit that she needs to be reminded. I still don't think there is one day that goes by that there aren't tears shed by her in our house. It is so emotionally exhausting and frustrating as we can only attempt to empathise with her pain. I don't think we realize how much her pain affects Todd and myself. Todd goes out to his paradisaical garden and I go to yoga to try and cope with the pain. Shaelyn skips but some days she is so demanding and exhibits attention seeking behaviour that cries out, "look at me."

Time for some good, old, family psychology. You know it actually feels good to vent and I won't apologize for venting because this is our family blog and you want the truth. I am not Michelle Dugger (600 kids and counting), and I can't portray that life is wonderful all the time. My mom always told me that any woman who talked in high-pitched voices are controlling and I have to agree.

I am also contemplating a trip to Regina. I feel compelled to visit my aged Grandma and see my parents. As you may know there are other family members in Regina that I have not had contact with in almost 2 years; I don't know if I am ready to face what lies ahead for me.

If I can say one thing...depression is probably one of the biggest epidemics of all time. Most woman at some point have tried antidepressants, and sleep aids. Anxiety and depression go hand and hand, who and what are we trying to live up to??? I feel like I am starting to slip again into another depression and I want to fight it but sometimes it is too difficult.

I am going to fight it, in a couple of days I want to come up with a new challenge for myself. Does anyone want to join me?

Top ten!

On Monday Kourtney did her speech along with 30 other grade 7's from Abbotsford. Kourtney was one of the last 6 to do her speech. When she got up to the podium I realized how tiny she is compared to the rest of girls her age, but her lack of stature was compensated with her clear and commanding voice.

On April 26th Kourtney will advance to the District finals. (I don't know if I am looking forward to hearing another round of speeches, but excited that my child is there) - a few mixed emotions again.

In two weeks time we are heading to Victoria for Shaelyn's first skipping tournament. We are excited to attend as a family and watch Shaelyn compete. She has been working very hard and is looking forward to competing.

BREATHING AGAIN!!

Last night I worked came home with the "unknown" looming on my mind. Had a restless sleep and then received good news all at the same time. Kourtney's hemoglobin is the highest it ever has been. This is great news of course because of the sabbatical from the iron infusions. The news continues to get better.

A very articulate angel in disguise presented Kourtney's case to the committee and although seeing eyes weren't made blind, her words fell onto very open hearts. We received a very fair and more than adequate contract that will maintain 2 out of our 3 caregivers in our home. This has come as a huge relief for all of us. It means we can continue on with "our normal" life and we can continue to employ Mona on a full time basis.

So what is up next with the Kujawa's . . . I can now start my countdown to 40. Stay tuned.