Our weekend to Victoria began with me waking up in a foul mood. I was up late packing the last minute items and folding the endless mounds of laundry that seemed to come out of nowhere. In the back of mind I know I was feeling guilty because of my lack of involvement in prepping Shaelyn for her first skipping tournament. I wanted this weekend to be all about Shaelyn; I wanted to get involved with what she was doing and put my focus in learning how I can best encourage her in her skipping. Our morning did not start out so well as Kourtney was also in a foul mood(apples don't fall far from the tree).Nobody could say or do anything without getting attacked verbally by her. I thought, the only way to respond in this situation was to retaliate and act like a 12 year old myself. So I did. I took care of myself, snapped at anyone who even dared ask me to do something, wouldn't answer when my family asked me a question and ordered Todd to do stuff for me. It lasted most of the day, and to tell you the truth I quite enjoyed it. Kourtney wasn't impressed at first but soon realized how we feel when she is so grumpy, Shae thought it was great to see her mom act so immature and Todd just shook his head and played along willingly.
The charade stopped rather suddenly when we were at a restaurant where all the other skippers were and I encouraged Kourtney to go sit with the girls her age. Her eyes filled up with tears and she said, "Mom, I can't because I am not like them." My heart broke and I could feel that overwhelming cloud of depression encapsulate my body. I told her that knowing that you aren't "like them" makes you even more like them, because every teenage girl finds in difficult to be around new people. But down deep I knew these words to Kourtney were just that and it brought little or nor peace to our hearts.
The weekend was packed full of cheering on the Abbotsford skippers and being in awe of their skills. As we traveled in the van we kept hearing the same song over and over. We would catch only bits of pieces of it but it was a catchy tune and we were singing it when it came over the radio.
Shaelyn did well considering it was her first tournament and she didn't know what to expect. We were proud of her and what stood out the most was her gentle attitude she portrayed to her fellow teammates.
We came back, and on Monday Kourtney did her district final speech. Although she didn't place in the top 3, she was still somewhere in the top 10. We were still very proud of her for standing in front of the crowd with confidence.
Tuesday, we had a trip into Children's for an iron infusion and a meeting with the psychologist. There were some disappointments as her hemoglobin dropped considerably due to the lack of iron in her system, and Kourtney's weight has dropped for no apparent reason. It doesn't seem to end. The psychologist provided us useful tools once again to avoid a slump into a depression. She of course stated she was more worried for me than for Kourtney at this point as she noted my anxiety rising. After fighting traffic both ways Kourtney and I were completely tired and spent. Mom and Dad Kujawa had us over for supper, I can't tell you how pleasant it was to be at their home and be able review the day with my family. Love you Dave and Bev!!
Wednesday was another busy day, but it seemed like a breakthrough day. The tears came easily for Kourtney and I as we finally got to hear the song with the catchy tune from start to finish. The words were so relevant to how we both have been feeling, Click here to listen.
That night Todd and I received the following email from Kourtney. Her words brought me Peace.
Hey Mom and Dad,
I thought it was amazing how that song came on the radio and it totally related to how we feel. I am so inspired by that song. I think that it came on just at the right time in the van because I am just so overwhelmed by my life right now. I love you guys so much and I know that you will always be there in the toughest of times. I hope that you guys have a great time at Build tonight!! Love you!!
Kourtney
Although my heart does break, I do feel that God is with me despite the storm.
Stay tuned, I have a new challenge that will start May 1st!!
Click here to listen.
3 comments:
Sometimes I think that the pain is a process like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon. What seems like the impossible frees the beauty of the butterfly and allows it to fly and bring amazement to those who watch.
The verse that gave me perspective when Kourtney was born- Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Matt. 6:34 The Message. Mom K.
Janelle, I am so, so, so very encouraged by all that you write... but it my heart aches for you guys. I also found myself in tears a few times through this post. Thank you for your vulnerability as a mom, wife and a woman longing to live a Godly life, but acknowledging your humaness. You are an incredible mom and Kourtney's email just says that and more... What a beautiful and "normal" family you guys are, even in the roughest of storms. Will pray for you this week. --Amber
Know that your sister Coco is always just a phone call away...just a few minutes up the hill. Love you all so very much. This is a good reminder to lift you up in my prayers. Love the song. I'll think of you every time I hear it now.
Hugs all around,
ck
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