Life...

I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. The whole contract negotiation took its toll on me. Yes, it was a great outcome, but it took me back to the place where I had been so many times; that overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I just hate the feeling of having to share every out-of-the-ordinary thing that I do for Kourtney. To me, it is our Normal and I don't really want to think about how actually abnormal our lives are. When we came under review I started thinking how abnormal our lives are and I start feeling overwhelmed and mourn the loss of a normal child.

On Friday our van broke down, so I have been trying to juggle life with only one vehicle over a very busy weekend. Thanks to my friend JW and Amy, Shawn, dad and mom K we have managed quite well, but it is always about the juggle. Now, what to do about a new van? Wheelchair accessible or not? I don't know! Life would be so much easier but I don't want Kourtney in it all the time. I wish one would fall out of the sky for us. They are very expensive !! If it fell out of the sky then I wouldn't have to make the decision.

I guess I need a new vision; a new direction to try to take myself out of this slump. I want to set some goals before I turn 40. I really want to run but I don't have the time to do it. I will just have to make time and start challenging myself again.

Kourtney is still doing remarkably well. We were having problems with her shoulders breaking down but after these last few dressings changes, only by trial and error, they have looked so much better. As GB says, the sparkle is back. She can walk straight but she needs constant reminding to stand straight. She resents me for doing that but it is such a habit that she needs to be reminded. I still don't think there is one day that goes by that there aren't tears shed by her in our house. It is so emotionally exhausting and frustrating as we can only attempt to empathise with her pain. I don't think we realize how much her pain affects Todd and myself. Todd goes out to his paradisaical garden and I go to yoga to try and cope with the pain. Shaelyn skips but some days she is so demanding and exhibits attention seeking behaviour that cries out, "look at me."

Time for some good, old, family psychology. You know it actually feels good to vent and I won't apologize for venting because this is our family blog and you want the truth. I am not Michelle Dugger (600 kids and counting), and I can't portray that life is wonderful all the time. My mom always told me that any woman who talked in high-pitched voices are controlling and I have to agree.

I am also contemplating a trip to Regina. I feel compelled to visit my aged Grandma and see my parents. As you may know there are other family members in Regina that I have not had contact with in almost 2 years; I don't know if I am ready to face what lies ahead for me.

If I can say one thing...depression is probably one of the biggest epidemics of all time. Most woman at some point have tried antidepressants, and sleep aids. Anxiety and depression go hand and hand, who and what are we trying to live up to??? I feel like I am starting to slip again into another depression and I want to fight it but sometimes it is too difficult.

I am going to fight it, in a couple of days I want to come up with a new challenge for myself. Does anyone want to join me?