No, I am not ready for Christmas. It’s not a season that I
enjoy because for years it has left me with so many unmet expectations. I
secretly resent the whole holiday season. (OK, now it’s not a secret). There are many reasons why I feel this
way. I won’t bore you with the bitter-sweetness of my Christmas experiences, but
I will tell you how this year I have a whole new view of Christmas that has not
only changed my life but has actually made me excited for the holiday season.
As many of you know Summer 2014 will go down in Kujawa
history as one of the most difficult summer’s ever. It started June 30th with a tragic event at my
work. The months that followed were filled with nightmares, chronic shoulder
pain, constant sweaty palms and heart palpitations. I did what every mom and
most nurses do; I ignored the symptoms. I did not realize the effect that this
traumatic incident had on me.
The summer was Instagrammed as #staycation2014. We decided not to take our annual trip
to Saskatchewan. Kourtney had been accepted into a program for physio and
occupational therapy in Vancouver. Kourtney’s health had been so good lately that we thought
this would be a great window of opportunity to increase her mobility. We also
were given a lot of Hope that she would be able to drive which was huge
motivation for her to keep active. By the end of the 6 weeks rehabilitation, there
was little or no improvement in Kourtney’s mobility and were told that we
should give up on the idea of driving because it was going to cost too much
money to convert a vehicle for what she needs. My heart sank. I reconciled my
grief by acknowledging that I got to spend quality time with my two girls in
one of the world’s most beautiful cities. But the grief started to win.
Take a step back to the June 27th, the teacher’s
strike action took place. The teacher’s walked off the job completely causing a
financial stress that we had never endured prior to this. (This last year I
reduced my hours from full time to part time). The same day Todd ended up in
the hospital with kidney stones. He was in agony most of the summer and spent
many days laying in bed in a haze brought on by the strong pain medication. He
did find a great summer job though!
So, many of the summer duties landed on me so I had to ignore the
symptoms. I had to pull through. The teacher’s strike lasted into October and
so did Todd’s kidney stones. So with finances being short and Todd enduring 3
surgeries I needed to keep going.
To add to all of this, Todd’s dad, Dave, fell and broke his
hip. Although he got through the surgery like a rock star, it hit home the fact
that we have become the main support to our main support system. The change in
roles is not easy for anyone of us. It has been a huge loss of independence for
his Dad and his mom -a loss for us of the greatest support we had out here.
The teacher’s strike was for the public schools. Kourtney is in private school so it
didn’t affect her. It’s her grade
12 year!! It should be a time of celebration but for me all I saw it was a huge
amount of paperwork to start her transition into adulthood. I emotionally
couldn’t take it on. Most mornings
I couldn’t even get out of bed to see her off to school. I told Kourtney she
was on her own as far as completing her school work. We also anticipated needing new caregivers. The problem with
hiring the young ones is that they eventually get real jobs, they get married,
and they get pregnant. In
preparing Kourtney for the transition to adulthood we decided to hire an agency
for nursing care. 2 hours in the morning 2 hours in the evening. We said
goodbye to the fulltime caregiver for the 1st time in 7 years.
Kourtney is attending school full time and wants to be at school because she
has developed a great social network of friends. Her health is fantastic and is independently taking on
school work, organizing caregivers and taking charge of her own care. It is
finally happening! Something I am thankful for. But I continued with my grief,
I didn’t want to do anything for her. What kind of mother was I?
Then there was Shae. Due to the teacher’s strike she started
her first year of highschool 1 month late. This year she hung up her skipping rope with the hopes of playing
highschool sports. We decided to keep her going to school in Maple Ridge (45
minute) drive away from Abbotsford for 2 reasons: sports and friends. However, because of the teacher’s
strike, many teachers in her school decided not to coach extracurricular sports
(hit#1), and then hit #2 came she went through a bullying incident by, well . .
. her friends. It was a painful to
watch. We gave her the option of
changing schools to one in Abbotsford. But Shae stood up to the challenge and came
out of the incident stronger, confident and learned about the follies of WOMEN.
She is currently playing community basketball and just found out she is on a
club volleyball team in the New Year.
On top of this, our dog and two cats had fleas. (No we
didn’t know there was pill that you can give to house pets that doesn’t allow
the fleas to host on them!!!). We have never had this problem. The vet told me
that they were very difficult to get rid of. I felt violated with these small
harmless bugs. But I didn’t have the energy to look after them. Todd had to deal with them. All I could
do was curl up in bed and pretend there wasn’t a world going on. IT all became
too much. Happy to say that the cold weather got rid of them and our pets are
flea free and loaded up on medication.
I continued to work, until one day, a coworker came up to me
and said, “what is wrong with you?” I started crying. I knew I wasn’t feeling right but there
were no words to express the looming cloud over my head. The tears continued. A week later I left work and have been
off for almost 2 months now. If I wasn’t crying I was in bed curled up in ball
just wanting to sleep. I became withdrawn, angry and paranoid that I was being
judged. I imploded on friends, and my husband, my girls would try to talk to me
and would remark, “Mom you are in the tunnel.” I couldn’t deal with the simple
tasks. I didn’t want to go the gym, I didn’t want to go shopping (something was
definitely wrong), I didn’t want to live. It’s not that I was suicidal; I just
didn’t want to face another day. It just seemed overwhelming.
Without going into a lot of detail, I got the necessary help
I needed. Taking time off work has been the best for me. I took care of myself.
I saw old friends, and met new friends. My time with my family has been
luxurious. I have myself in a daily routine, and my life has become meaningful
again. It’s the first time ever that I have taken this much time off work and
not been through a crisis with Kourtney. I rarely get “physically sick” the
same cold I had for 24 hours Todd has had for almost 8 weeks. So I plow through
life’s hurdles with no reason to stop going- but then my brain can’t take
another insult so it stops processing, and I shutdown. It’s called depression. I’ll
never forget as I was going through all of this Shaelyn hugged me and “said
depression hurts everyone. If
someone you know has depression tell your doctor” - a line from a commercial on
TV. It’s the following quote that got me
through and has given me a totally new meaning for Christmas:
As the summer months progressed to fall I was burdened with
guilt that if only…..I had done more physio for Kourtney, if only I had done
something else that baby wouldn’t have died, if only I had a better
spiritual life, if only we didn’t put Shae into high school in Maple Ridge. I
felt as though I needed to “figure out” what had caused this emotional state.
But as the Christmas season approached, the correlation
between the this quote and Christmas became clear. “Jesus came to earth to
meet us”. He left the glory of the heavens to be born in a stable for heaven’s
sake. Why don’t I feel worthy or capable in the sight of my heavenly Father?
You don’t have to arrive to meet Jesus; HE meets you where you are AT!!! I am
worthy in HIS sight and that’s all that matters.
So, taking this into the new year will be the challenge, as
I plan my return to work, start applying for funding for a vehicle for Kourtney,
and transitioning her into adult life. As well we will be praying about
colleges and universities with the hope for her to be able to live in a dorm
for a year. There will many discouragements along the way but I have to
constantly remember that Jesus will be at our family’s side coaching us along-
simply because that is where HE meets us. So now when I am asked “are you ready
for Christmas?” I reply no “Christmas is ready for me”. It’s the simple truths
that get me out of bed in the morning.
