Self Talk

Over the years I have learned to do what I call self talk. (not to be confused with talking to yourself). I believe that this has become a coping mechanism of sorts to get me through my depressing times. For example, after we booked our trip to Hawaii I was really kicking myself that we had not booked our trip for 10 days instead of 8. I was hoping that 8 days would be enough and that we would be rested enough after our time there. Especially if you could see what we need to take with us for Kourtney. We met some acquaintances in Hawaii on our first night and they were planning on staying 2 weeks. Shoot! I wished we were staying longer. But as the time drew near the end I was able to convince myself that 8 days were perfect and we were ready to take our sunburnt and sand filled bodies and go home. I enjoyed the 8 days but convinced myself that it was adequate. We saw our acquaintances on our very last night there and they still had another week left and really there was little or no twinges of jealously left in my body. Over the week I was able to have enough conversations in my head that I was at Peace with it! But then when we came home to the rain and those feelings of "I don't even feel like I left" started entering my head and once again my little self talk began in my head.

As the old saying goes "the grass is always greener on the other side". Through my self talk I have learned to add to it greener but it probably doesn't smell quite as good because nobody sees the manure that went into getting it that way. I struggle regularly with not being able to do "normal family" things but then I am reminded that our trips to Florida, Arizona, and Hawaii are extraordinary and somehow there is a provision made annually for us to do this. I still find it difficult watching people's reactions when they see Kourtney's dressings and hands but I rejoice when Kourtney's You Tube video is so popular that they want to put advertisements on her video. I mourn when I see teenagers developing normally, but know that her disease also stops her from getting her into teenage trouble. I am envious of the people with big houses and view lots but reminded that a swimming pool can't be put in a view - I am so thankful for our yard.

This is the mindset that has gotten me through and almost daily I have to remind myself that really our lives are great. Yes, Kourtney has a cruel skin disease but that cannot stop us from living and living well. It is pure freedom to be able to "look on the bright side" and for me I don't think I have to look very far because it is sitting right here in front of me!!

So having said all of that we have plenty of things to look forward to in the months to come (skipping tournament in Nelson, weddings, a weekend getaway with Todd and I, specialist appointments, etc.) I don't dread it I have learned to embrace a busy and full life.