It's all about Janelle. . . really, it is.

Hi . . . the blog is back. I feel that in keeping things real I need to be honest about the last 2 weeks and why you haven’t read any new updates.

Over the last 4 months we have watched Kourtney suffer as her body has been taken over by infection after infection. Kourtney’s once manageable condition has become basically unmanageable. The pain she endures is endless and never leaves in spite of increasing her pain meds. Antibiotics help with the pain but as soon as they run their course, the infection returns and the pain increases.

Kourtney and I have not been ourselves since the infamous “bath incident” at Children’s Hospital on August 26, 2008. As some of you may know Kourtney received medication against my advice. We were reassured it would make her relax in a bathtub, despite my reservations about it. Kourtney ended up hallucinating with the combination of medications, and in a desperate attempt to sedate her, the doctor in charge used an entonox mask on her. Kourtney fought so hard that she blistered her back, bottom, and hips. The doctor showed absolutely no remorse, and felt she was doing the best thing for Kourtney. The MRSA infection set in to these open areas and although the wounds heal, the MRSA keeps breaking down the skin. The nurses were so traumatized by these events that they refer to it the worst day of their lives. Doctors have sent us home from the hospital saying they don’t know what else they can do to help.

I have known since November that I was reaching my breaking point. The stress I’ve been under for the past 11 years cannot be described but the events of the past 4 months have put me over the top. The anguish I face each day as I see Kourtney stooped over in pain, as I try to put dressings on her raw skin, as I watch the blood drip off her open wounds is too much. She was so ill in November that we stood by her bedside and told Kourtney to just close her eyes and go to sleep. I have wanted to walk away for years; to end the pain and suffering, but have never been able to leave. Until . . . this Christmas.

Simmering beneath the surface throughout all of this has been a growing rift between myself and my family in Saskatchewan. In the fall, my mom and I had a blowout, and I said things that I should have not said. Apologies were meaningless and forgiveness was just a word. Keeping Kourtney alive was my only goal. I had no time for Todd or Shaelyn. I especially had no emotional energy to sort out my family issues. I knew my emotional state was incredibly fragile and I needed professional help. I was starting to get help, but over Christmas my family decided to get involved and pointed out to me what I already knew . . . I needed mental help. I begged my family to leave me alone as I knew I was walking a very fine emotional line. They persisted in taking matters into their own hands and pushed me over the edge. There was no love, no understanding, no compassion, only a pointing finger.

The events that followed have humbled me beyond what I can imagine. Todd and his family embraced me despite the ways I have treated them in the past. They have been around to see Kourtney’s declining physical state, and have felt the same despair that I have had. I became very suicidal. Todd ended up setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist who admitted me into the psych ward at the hospital in Abbotsford. She could see the hurt and depression in my eyes and knew I couldn’t take any more. I had spent 11 years looking after Kourtney’s needs and had neglected to look after my own. I needed a break from telephones, internet, dressing changes, and family. I was so sleep deprived that I needed some rest. I was started on an antidepressant to help deal with my chronic stress. I had been told that a psychiatrist was for crazy people in a normal world or normal people in a crazy world.

I spent the next 12 days in the hospital. I spent a lot of time reflecting on life; trying to accept that Kourtney may not recover, struggling with guilt, anger, and blame. I was not allowed to be discharged until there was a plan in place whereby I was not going to be involved in Kourtney’s 2 hour dressing changes. Todd and I had to have a vacation booked to go away for a week. It is time for me to be Kourtney’s MOM for once and not her NURSE. The patients I met in the psych ward were so accepting and the nurses agreed that most people’s pride would not allow them to walk into a psych facility. One particularly vocal guy proudly introduced me to a group of students nurses saying, “She works at the hospital up on the fourth floor!” I smiled and told them, “It happens to the best of us.”

So, over the holidays, Todd took on the huge responsibility of looking after Kourtney and her needs. He also came to the conclusion that Kourtney’s skin will not heal until the MRSA goes away. Everyone, including the plastic surgeon has been very impressed with his dressing skills. He even managed to get Kourtney back into her middle school in Abbotsford with the help of our school board trustee. This has brought much joy to Kourtney as she will begin on Monday.

Todd and I . . . are going to Mexico in a week. The medical staff at Children’s Hospital are arranging dressing changes, with our dear Mona overseeing things at the hospital. We have taken Kourtney to the hospital a few times now for dressing changes so the nurses are becoming comfortable with the care she requires. We will maximize our respite hours so that Kourtney will have 24/7 care. We feel that the only way we can face this journey is if Todd and I remain strong and remove ourselves from it for awhile. Kourtney needs to know that other people are capable of looking after her, and that the only way we can continue to look after is by taking a break.

We are preparing Kourtney for this and she feels positive that she can direct her own care. For the first time I feel that Kourtney and I are no longer prisoners to this disease. We want her to have freedom and not to be held hostage to this disease. For too many years we have tried to avoid the blisters, but we have come to realize that not even Todd or I can prevent the blistering and infections. I don’t even know the word to describe how it feels to let go and accept that there is nothing we can do to remove Kourtney’s pain.

So as we rebuild and move forward in 2009 I would like to acknowledge those who have supported us through this difficult time. Todd’s family, Mona, Tammy, my cousins, my wise uncle, all the doctors and nurses and ARHCC (Janelle’s work) and BCCH, the staff at Alouette Elementary (Todd & Kourtney’s school), the Eastside Pastorate @ Northview for meals and visits, all those who worked “outside the box” to get Kourtney back to school in Abbotsford, and my fellow patients from the psych ward. With a start to the year like this, I don't know how we'll top it.

Maybe you can find out more juicy details after I write my book, "New Year's in the Psych Ward"