Kourtney's pain medication has now been switched from IV to her G-tube. She had a great day yesterday with relatively little pain. The low grade fevers come and go at different times of the day but once again this is a normal part of the process when there are open wounds. She is tolerating her feeds and has gained 3 pounds since admission. (Since one of her feeds went onto her bed instead of in her I say that is a good sign.) The dizziness is gone, and her legs are slowly becoming stronger. She has been getting exercise by her numerous trips to the bathroom. The copious amounts of IV fluids help to keep her fever down but they also require frequent trips to the bathroom. We opted out of getting her a commode chair because this encourages her to continue to walk. The dressing change was easily managed. We are hoping to go home on Thursday, and then hopefully have a meeting at Children's to discuss some long term plans.
Despite Kourtney doing better, yesterday was one of the most difficult days I had in a real long time. The psychiatrist had a meeting with Todd and myself attempting to help us through our crisis. This meeting triggered emotions that have been suppressed and maybe not completely dealt with. Throw in mental and physical exhaustion and I became messy quickly. I felt angry and scared. The thought of staying in the hospital any longer was overwhelming; the thought of bringing Kourtney home seemed even more overwhelming. I wanted someone else making decisions for Kourtney. I have nothing
more to offer or give.
When I got to the hospital I needed to talk to someone, but due to lack of cell service, it became obvious that my conversation needed to be with God. Nobody else could settle this matter other than the one who created Kourtney and chose that she would be my child. "How dare God do that to me?" I called out. As I lay in bed, the little blue pill I took would not overtake my sleep. God would not let me until I worked out my anger and resentment that I was holding on to. Oh my was there ever a lot that I had to let go of. I know through the night we had nurse that was a believer. I knew she was praying for us. It took me hours . . . and then Peace came. Peace that can only can come from giving up control, knowing that God is in control. Finally sleep came . . . but it was the Peace I received was so freeing.
In the stillness of the night God reminded me that there was still so much more that He needs to accomplish through Kourtney.
"Call unto me and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know"
I just have to continue to remember that as much as she looks like me, and has the attitude like me, she is not mine.....she belongs to God. The kid is a fighter . . . by all human understanding she has no reserve to keep fighting this horrible disease, but she continues to fight. Has she turned the corner . . . not yet but I can be cautiously optimistic that she is close.
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