Do it now.

Today was day 12. I went for a run/walk. The rest of the day was kind of blurry and I just did not have the wherewithal to do anything more. The final report of Kourtney's pet scan came in and Dr. C told us what his thoughts were.  So much to take in; it left Kourtney devestated. Thankfully, Todd was with us today so it made the blow somewhat manageable for me at least.

We had Kourtney's regular post-op dressing change on her right hand. Since the hand is so diseased with cancer the healing the skin doesn't look normal. Together, Kourtney and I decided that until there was a decision about her hand, the best thing was to keep her sedated so she wouldn't have to look at it.  It could also be cleaned well and the dressing change is done in a sterile environment. While Kourtney was out in dreamland Dr. C came in to talk to us. He told us that the final report showed that the cancer has not spread; this was great news but of course there is still cancer in her hand.

What would the next move be? He explained 3 options.  He could perform another surgery similar to the one that ws just done, however, there were so many things that didn't go right and to be honest he said she would never be cancer free. Option 2 was to do nothing, but it would always be a chronic messy cancerous wound with a high likelihood that it would spread.  The third and most reasonable option was amputation. As harsh as it sounds, she would be pain free, the cancer would be 100% removed. Although this sounds like a reasonable solution to us, she took the news hard. No matter how prepared one tries to be nobody can take that blow. She sat there with tears coming down her cheeks.  The decision was hers to make. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of silence and after weighing the options she simply said, "Do it now."

 I wish I could have recorded the conversation between Dr. C and Kourtney. He made so much sense and his heart was in it.  He will do his best to get it done this week so she can still go to Disneyland. She should feel little or no post op pain, her function should not change significantly as he would amputate below the elbow.

The ride home was silent and the Vancouver traffic was so bad. I just wanted to get home to my safe bed.

Right now I am too tired to make sense of anything. I have nothing profound to say, and at this moment I can't put a positive twist on it.

Tomorrow will be better.