Life on hold

3 months ago we returned from Disneyland. It's always bittersweet coming home from a fun vacation, however, there were more urgent matters to deal with upon our return. As I said in a previous post, I had really backed away from doing the dressing changes but in Disneyland I was more involved.  I was aware that her right hand was looking more broken down but this time I knew something wasn't right. I called in the troops to pray and love on our family. Although I continued on with my regular activities my body stopped functioning properly. I rarely get sick so my body finds other ways to cope;  my internal clock was turned off balance, insomnia ensued as did unusual events which I blamed on menopause symptoms. Emotionally I went into a very dark, black hole.

A week after our return we had an appointment with Dr. C. Todd, understanding the gravity of this situation, took the day off.  We were joined by a support team of Beth and Amber.  When Dr. C saw Kourtney's hand we knew just by the look on his face that there was something sinister brewing in the hand. For those following our journey, the initial biopsy showed it was a benign tumour, however, Dr. C wasn't convinced the results were accurate.  Although we were relieved, Kourtney's pain continued. Pain to this extent in one area is unusual for Kourtney. We knew in our hearts something wasn't right. I was chastised by a friend for taking it to social media, especially when the results were benign. But alas a moms intuition always turns out to be so powerful. I don't regret drawing attention to it so early on in the process. Social media receives so much negative attention, however, in our world it helps us cope so much better knowing that there are many people supporting us.

Kourtney's pain continued and the preparation for surgery began. Never could we imagine that the pain would only get worse.  As you know, the post-op pain from the surgery has been excruciating. We had to come to terms with the fact that there would likely be another operation. I even prepared our family that the only thing that may bring her reprieve was an amputation. Cancer or no cancer.

Last Monday Kourtney went to Children's Hospital for a dressing change.  Since she has had a picc line we have been taking full advantage of it. She is able to be sedated during the change which enables the doctors to take a good look at her hand and give it a good cleaning. She wakes up happy, hungry and ready take on the world. Monday turned out to be a delightful day. We brought our new caregiver in with us and gave her an initiation of sorts. I always feel so fortunate to get to know these young girls. They give our family so much life. It was fun showing her the ropes at Children's Hospital. Kourtney's anesthesiologist was the dreamy Dr. Cassidy, who wiped away drool out of Kourtney's hair while while he  put her into a medically induced sleep. He made us a laugh with an embarrassing story of his own to follow. We were told Dr. C had the results so we waited an hour for him.  It turned out that the results weren't in, but to be honest we were just happy to see him.  We know his heart is with Kourtney.  We then waited out traffic and went out for dinner with one of our most loyal caregivers, Meaghan. There are not many people that Kourtney feels comfortable around,  but when she does she can make everyone giggle. So many blessings came from that day.  I believe it was a way of preparing for the news.

I was at work. Kourtney received the call from Dr. C. Not good news at all. The cancer had come back aggressively.  The next step will be making sure it has not spread to other parts of her body and of course another surgery to remove more of the cancer or possible amputation of the hand.  Dr. C needs to consult with his colleagues as ultimately he wants to save the hand. At this point though it's not the cancer that worries me as much as going through the pain cycle again post-op. Kourtney maxed out her pain meds and has built up a tolerance so this most likely means a lengthy hospital stay. We are now bracing for the long journey. I have taken time off work.

There are so many unknowns at this point and I will continue to update the blog.
So how can you help?  The only thing we want are visitors, especially if they involve squishy babies and toddlers (we welcome everyone). Preferably with a cup of coffee and a London fog
croissant for Kourtney. You also would have to put up with two cats and a very needy dog. I also would love to learn to macrame, knit or crochet. If anyone wants to learn or has expertise in these areas let me know. Although we anticipate many Vancouver trips we will be home as well.

Although the results were not easy to hear, the amount of pain she was having was obviously a sign that things weren't right. I can't say I am relieved but I also know that once the cancer is removed things will start improving.Once again I am thankful for DR C, that he is the one in charge on earth and I completely trust him. We feel blessed to gave a great circle of friends who have embraced us.
 I will continue to update the blog.